Garbage, utter garbage.
And I say garbage with utter contempt, because as a proud recycling citizen of the U.S., I find contempt in garbage. And I find nothing but garbage in Rob Bell’s book, Love Wins.
The book has gained quite the controversy in conservative Christian circles, and I can see why. Mr. Bell takes Bible verses out of context and completely goes against Christian doctrine well worn as your favorite pair of work boots. Work boots that no longer serve in the coal mines and steel mills because we’ve exchanged those mines for electric wind mills and nuclear energy, both more environmentally friendly, and the mills have turned to robots who do the job without the need for boots.
What does coal mining have to do with Rob Bell? Well, I’m glad as a corn farmer earning ethanol subsidy you asked (Note: There is no evidence corn farmers earning ethanol subsidies are generally happy).
I don’t agree with Rob Bell to say the least. I’ve read Love Wins, and I couldn’t help but notice the heretical ideas he slaps the reader in the face with in his new book, Love Wins. It goes against the Bible, and it goes against everything a great American such as myself has been taught for most of his adult life.
Just look in the Bible. Straight out of Genesis, God gives Adam the responsibility of taking care of the earth, and as Adam and Eve’s descendants, we too are tasked with taking good care of our dear mother earth. And I’ll never forget what my momma said when I was young: “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”
And I sure as heck ain’t happy. Just take a look at Love Wins. Look at the large, garish font Mr. Bell writes with. Why, he could have written the book in half the number of pages. Look at the space between lines, you could fit twice as many lines on that page. With such a tradition-smearing writing style, Mr. Bell doesn’t even cover half the page. He doesn’t write in entire lines. He uses an entire line to write a single word.
I can’t believe the audacity to write so wastefully. Write a paragraph, for the good Lord’s sake! I don’t understand why those margins are that enormous unless a reader might want to fill them with notation in case the book becomes essential for those who desire to be members of the Christian religion. He doesn’t even use half the space on those pages (Note: That’s an estimation, the spatial ratio of text to blank space is not prove to be 2:1. Research is still in progress).
Obviously Mr. Bell is no friend of the environment. And as a supposed caretaker of God’s great earth, Mr. Bell certainly seems to fall short. The book could literally be a third its size and still contain this book and all of his other books combined. I’ve heard rumors from people close to him that he throws soda cans in the garbage. IN THE GARBAGE! Why don’t you just go to Starbucks and get a $4 shot of coffee in a recycled paper cup you’re just going to throw in the garbage anyway? IN THE GARBAGE! That’s where his book would belong, except that it’s made of paper and should be recycled, and this is America, where we recycle paper. But it’s almost bad enough that it belongs directly in the garbage.
I propose we burn the books, which would be ironic since Mr. Bell so clearly insinuates no one burns (or so I’ve heard!). And it would also be ironic because also burning books would also be damaging to our sweet dear mother’s sweet dear oxygen supply. But it’s worth it to brand this heathen with truth. Look, sir, at the destruction thou hath wrought! Gaze upon the decadence of society, which thou hast perpetrated with thine ideas of sprawling minimalist writing. And good Lord, who in his right mind would pay $22.99 for a 200-page book that reads like it’s 35. What the (non-existent) Hell, Bell?
Or you could buy a copy on Kindle or Nookie Bookie and then just delete it out of spite. Then all you would be wasting is money. And time.
And another thing, Bell. Get with the times! If you’re going to write a book and make people pay money for it, skip the actual book and send it straight to E-form. I can forgive your disregard for tradition if you would stop wasting paper and ink. Who in their right mind would publish that for you? You know you’re screwing them over on cost ratio. If you think your message deserves to be heard, do it in a less self-centered, self-satisfied, “trendy” manner. If your book’s worth reading, it’ll sell on content (and controversy) alone. And it’ll only be 35 pages long and cost $6. It’ll sell like hotcakes like the Prayer of Jabez did. Except that people will sit in Barnes and Noble and read the entire thing in one sitting. But they could already do that, all you’re doing is fooling them into thinking there’s more content there than there actually is because it looks and feels like a 200-page book. Until they open it.
I am OUTRAGED at you Mr. Bell, for trying to pull the wool (or cotton, if you’re a vegan) over the eyes of the flock! Not that those eyes would have any trouble noticing those huge white spaces on the pages of that rag you’ve “written.” And for your heresy I condemn you to Hell, where you’ll be alone, since no one goes to Hell, or so you’ve told me. And that sounds like a fate worse than having to share it with Richard Simmons, bless his soul. If Love Wins, then Environment Loses. That doesn’t sound like a movement any self-respecting Christian American with a soft spot for the environment should ever take part in.
But look on the bright side, Rob. At least I’m not going to judge your book without reading it. After all, that would just be absurd.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously. If Rob Bell ever reads this post, I assure you sir, I have no intention to offend, especially if you mention me positively on your blog or in one of your books.
Note: I was actually going to buy the book and give it a proper review, but I seriously would have felt ripped off paying $22.99 for it.