There’s a disturbing new trend that has hit this wonderful, God-given nation recently, and the problem has reached out its giant paw and taken another fatal swipe at the Union.
The 2012 National Spelling Bee champion was crowned Thursday, and that person’s name is: Snigdha Nandipati?! How do you even pronounce that?
This is just the latest of a downward spiral over the last decade. Since 1999, the number of people with weird, difficult to pronounce names has risen by 900%. There hasn’t been a champ with a normal-sounding name since 2007, when Evan M. O’Dorney won, and that even sounds Irish.
Since 2007, the champions have been named Sameer Mishra, Kavya Shivashankar, Anamika Veeramani, Sukanya Roy and now Nandipati. That’s an awful lot of unpronouncability to squeeze into five years.
This is just another
slave-labor made Jenga brick pulled out of the ever-growing tower and placed ever so precariously on top of the fecund womb that is the monstrosity so mutated that it barely even resembles its original state that will eventually undoubtedly be the eventual downfall of this amazing nation (hey, at least it’s not Settlers of Satan).
The foreigners are winning for the have all the bricks.
And before you go into full panic, and you will, there’s even more fury inducing news I’ll make up on the spot to further induce that panic.
The oddly-named people are sending all their most intelligent children from whichever countries they came from, which I didn’t bother to look up, to take away from us the most precious things we have. They want to take our spelling bee championships, the jobs away from our own NBA and NHL stars and the food off our tables that was also harvested by immigrants.
The children are taking over our private schools, which their rich parents are able to afford that our own children will not be able to go to, though I believe all schools should be privately funded and totally optional. And at those schools they’re too busy learning and becoming all they can be while our children go to public schools.
But, it’s not as if we’re totally dormant in all of this. Quite to the contrary, we are the cause of our own downfall. And, though I believe public schools’ standards are even too high, they spend all their free time getting dumber because they’re wasting all their time playing video games made by highly intelligent Japanese people and looking at porn!
Yes, just like in ancient Troy, boobs will once again topple an empire.
And the video games, oh, it’s almost as if they’re teaching our children to become as dumb as cavemen. In fact, in a well-known recent deathgame for something I believe is called the PlayerStation, because it’s meant to simulate the practice of having many sexual partners without even caring, is Tail of the Sun, a game so horrible that the player (more like the played) actually acts out the life of cavepeople. There’s even a part of the game where it’s possible to beat off a monkey! That is, a literal monkey that runs around and likely swings from trees in its off time. But we all know what that’s supposed to represent. Between video games and porn, this is the absolute filthiest of both worlds.
Witness the horror for yourself, watch up to 0:43 below
But those are not the only ways we’re working against ourselves. Look at the winning word Nandipati spelled: guetapens. I don’t even know where that word comes from, but it ain’t no english I never heard. And in recent years? Cymotrichous, stromuhr, Laodicean, guerdon. I don’t know which language those words come from and damned if I’m gonna get off my lazy butt and pick up a dictionary to find out for myself!
How do we expect to beat these foreigners if we’re just rewarding them for spelling their own words?! It would be like if we went over to their country in Never Never Land or wherever and challenged them to a KFC Double Down eating contest! They wouldn’t think it’s fair, and I’m sure they think it’s bad enough that they have KFC in their countries, and I’m sure they have no idea what the ‘K’ stands for, and if they do, I’m sure they have no idea what Kentucky is, or if they do, I’m sure they have no desire to go there because of the restaurant known for its awful chicken.
And finally, and this is for the men specifically. Look at those last five winners. What do they have in common besides goofy names? They’re all women! Now, gentlemen, we all know the demise of men is well documented here and here. Guys, you’re going to have to flip off the TV, get up off that couch, wipe those Cheetos stains off your shirt, put some big boy pants on over those tighty-whities and close the other window you’re using to watch porn right now. It’s time we take back America, because if America goes down, we can’t let them blame it on us for not trying.
Don’t let America fall! Our freedom is the most precious thing we have, and there are many who don’t like our way of life and want us to fail.
The events of these 13 years have shown something else. They have shown a new generation, your generation, that America and the cause of freedom have determined enemies; that there are people in this world who hate what America stands for. They hate our success, they hate our liberty. We have learned all too suddenly that there are evil people who have no regard for human life, and will do whatever it takes to try to bring this mighty nation to its knees.
If we don’t do something soon, the foreigners will win. And then, we’ll be the ones taking their customer service calls.
Note: I would like to point out that this is all meant to be satirical. I know satire doesn’t work in writing, but I’m dumb enough to try it. I hope no one misunderstands what I’m trying to do here. I love foreigners, but I also love that I can acknowledge the diversity of the U.S. and that Americans come from all backgrounds, ethnicities and faiths. I hate xenophobia with a passion, and so I have no problem with making fun of it like I hopefully succeeded at doing here. Just to say, I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, as I’m aware it probably pushes the boundaries of good taste and offensiveness. So, if you are offended, I apologize, for that wasn’t my intent. But, regardless, thank you for reading, and I hope you got a laugh out of it. And congratulations to Snigdha.